あかい
きいろ
きれいならくようが
グラウンドに
ある
いちまい
にまい
さんまい
アアー
りょくそうもある
あかいときいろのしたに
したで
あおぞらを
みえません
とりを
みえません
まいにち
そこできている
パタパタ
とりが
きますか
グラウンド ground, loanword from english
パタパタ the sound of a thin light object flapping, here I refer it to the flapping sound of the wings when birds fly.
other words:
きいろ yellow
とり bird
らくよう fallen leaves
りょくそう green grass
あおぞら blue sky
みえません can not see
Sorry for many grammatical mistakes in this so-called poem.
I really liked this! I think it would be nice to have you explain it more in depth, but from what I gathered, it's really nice and nature-y. I love the stanza with beginning with "ichimai". It's like a beat to the poem that contrasts with the nonchalance of the falling leaves. Most of all, I love the sound of a flying bird! So clever :)
ReplyDeleteI also really liked your use of onomatopeia. I could definitely hear the sound of birds flying in my mind as I read the poem. I did have some trouble following the poem, but even so the idea of the beauty of nature came across nicely.
ReplyDeleteいちまい
ReplyDeleteにまい
さんまい
interesting writing, i also used this kind of strategy in my own poem. :)
I like your use of onomatopoeia. I think the image of flying birds is very nice. However, I am interested in why you choose to use グラウンド instead of the Japanese for ground. Also, it would be nice to know what inspired you or motivated you to write such a poem.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you made rhymes throughout the work
ReplyDeleteusing adjectives so ending with い
also I liked you use of onomatopeia as well as the variety of natural vocabs
I like ur use of nomatopeia! It really brought the poem to life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your comments!
ReplyDeletereply to PNUT: by using グラウンド, I simply want to remind the reader this happened in a foreign land where the grass is still green and vigorous in late autumn. I assume the ground in autumn Japan might not be as the one in New York?
The grass stay on the ground.What they can do is only looking at the sky and flying birds everyday. but the fallen leaves blocked their view. when the bird come, they can only hear the sound. People only appreciate the beautiful scene of fallen leaves but never notice the lonely world of grass.
In this poem, there are two narrators. one is the person who is enjoying the beautiful scenery of colorful fallen leaves. The last two paragraph is the voice of the grass. When the narrators switches, the mood switches as well.
すごいですね！I agree that it was hard to follow while I was reading it, but it sounded really nice and had a good flow and rhythm. あなとのexplanationはとてもいいです. It's so sad! I feel bad for the grass =(
ReplyDeleteああきれいですね！ Autumn leaves always make me think about the impermanence of things, kind of like the さくら does for the Japanese. But I never saw things from the point of view of the grass! りょうくそはとてもさびしいです。たいへんですね！
ReplyDelete